Blog Archives - Jessica López-Barkl, theater generalist

Sixty-Nine: Day 60

2/28/2015

Day 60

Well…here we go…third time today and the timer’s on…I don’t know if I’ll be able to post this today because the “hotspot” on the phone stopped working again…so…if this doesn’t show up until tomorrow…that’s why…

Anyway, last we spoke, we were talking about the peace prayer flags…

Symbols and prayers: “The center of the prayer flag traditionally features a Lung ta (powerful or strong horse) bearing three flaming jewels (specifically ratna) on its back. The Ta is a symbol of speed and the transformation of bad fortune to good fortune. The three flaming jewels symbolize the Buddha, the Dharma (Buddhis teachings), and the Sangha (Buddhist community): the three corner stornes of Tibetan philosophical tradition. Surrounding the Lung ta are various versions of approximately 400 traditional mantras, each dedicated to a particular deity. These writings include mantras from three of the great Buddhist Bodhisattvas: Padmasambhava (Guru Rinpoche), Avalokitesvara (Chenrezig, the bodhisattva of compassion, and the patron of the Tibetan people), and Manjusri. In addition to mantras, prayers for a long life and good fortune are often included for the person who mounts the flags. Images or the names of four powerful animals, also known as the Four Dignities, adorn each corner of a flag: the dragon, the garuda, the tiger, and the snowlion.”

Symbolism and tradition: “Traditionally, prayer flags are used to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom. The flags do not carry prayers to gods, which is a common misconception; rather, the Tibetans believe the prayers and mantras will be blown by the wind to spread the good will and compassion into all pervading space. Therefore, prayer flags are thought to bring benefit to all. By hanging flags in high places the Lung ta will carry the blessings depicted on the flags to all beings. As wind passes over the surface of the flags, which are sensitive to the slightest movement of the wind, the air is purified and sanctified by the mantras. The prayers of a flag become a permanent part of the universe as the images fade from exposure to the elements. Just as life moves on and is replaced by new life, Tibetans renew their hopes for the world by continually mounting new flags alongside the old. This act symbolizes a welcoming of life’s changes and an acknowledgment that all beings are part of a greater ongoing cycle.”

Wow! That’s all…I have nothing to add…that is what we’re looking for…

Sixty-Nine: Day 59

2/28/2015

Day 59

Timer on…

Alright…I just finished the second time of (hopefully) three times today to catch up…

I took a break from making my lecture on Italian Renaissance theater and I had a headache, but…it’s gone now…this series is a headache curer…so…if you’re not mourning someone…you can just use this to cure headaches…I gues it has all of the chakras that alleviate headaches and many of the asanas are also poses that help headaches…there’s probably a good metaphor here somewhere about how my mourning is really all in my head and I just need to cure my headache…but…that’s too simplistic…so I’m not going there…

I also just noticed that I have 38,661 words written for this blog already…and 93 pages…that’s a lot…I realize I copied and pasted, periodically, but…it’s good to know that I can write for only fifteen minutes a day and have 93 pages…

Alright, back to the peace flags…

“…During the Cultural Revolution, prayer flags were discouraged but not entirely eliminated. Many traditional designs may have been lost. Currently, different styles of prayer flags can be seen all across the Tibetan region.”

Lung ta styles: “There are two kinds of prayer flags: horizontal ones, called Lung ta (Wylie: rlung-rtu, meaning “Wind Horse”) in Tibetan, and vertical ones, called Darchor (Wylie: dar-lcog, meaning “flagstaff”)…Lung ta (horizontal) prayer flags are of square or rectangular shape, and are connected along their top edges to a long string or thread. They are commonly hung on a diagonal line from high to low between two objects (e.g., a rock and the top of a pole) in high places such as the tops of temples, monasteries, stupas, and mountain passes.”

Color and order: “Traditionally, prayer flags come in sets of five: one in each of five colors. The five colors colors are arranged from left to right in a specific order: blue, white, red, green, and yellow. The five colors represent the five elements and the Five Pure Lights. Different elements are associated with different colors for specific traditions, purposes and sadhana. Blue symbolizes the sky and space, white symbolized the air and wind, red symbolizes fire, green symbolizes water, and yellow symbolizes earth. According to Traditional Tibetan medicine, health and harmony are produced through the balance of the five elements.”

That’s all for now…more later…

Sixty-Nine: Day 58

2/28/2015

Day 58

Timer on…

I was supposed to do this last night, but my pellet stove broke (again), so…it was beyond cold in the house. I hadn’t left any of the space heaters on because I thought the pellet stove was fine…but…it wasn’t…so…I cut my losses, put the space heaters on…armed myself in a hoodie, added another quilt to the bed, put the warm socks that Alicia (our division secretary) gave me for Christmas on, and bundled up waiting for warmth…it arrived, but…by then I was sleepy, so…I slept…

This morning I did the series, and I (hope) will do it two more times to catch up to the days I have missed…I’m technically starting the 10 Day countdown today.

I thought about my student Mei-Lin, who gave me peace flags as a present when my friend Robin died. This student had only known me for about a week, and she gave me what she called a “mourning” basket. It was filled with chocolate, coffee, cookies, and the peace flags decorated the handle of the basket. I have since wrapped these peace flags around a photo of my dad and I, which I have also placed a photo of Robin and I. Ultimately, I am looking for peace in this series. Peace from the pang of mourning, peace from guilt, peace from not feeling I have the right to suffer the death because they would want me to live, peace from the loss of ambition, peace from not feeling I’m as pretty as I was at the fighting weight I was before I gained my 20 lbs. of flesh after my Dad’s death…simply put…I’m looking for peace.

According to Wikipedia (stop judging…it’s the first thing that pops up…and I’m pretty sure it’s as accurate as anything else I would find that might be more eloquent and accurate…): “A prayer flag is a colorful rectangular cloth, often found strung along mountain ridges and peaks high in the Himalayas. They are used to bless the surrounding countryside and for other purposes. Prayer flags are believed to have originated with Bon, which predated Buddhism in Tibet. In Bon, colored plain flags in healing ceremonies in Nepal. They are unknow in other branches of Buddhism. Traditional prayer flags include woodblock-printed text and images.”

It’s History: “In Indian Sutras, originally written on cloth banners, were transmitted to other regions of the world as prayer flags. Legend ascribes the origin of the prayer flag to the Shakyamuni Buddha, whose prayers were written on battle flags used by the devas against their adversaries, the asuras. The legend may have given the Indian bhikku a reason for carrying the heavenly banner as a way of signifying his commitment to ahimsa. This knowledge was carried into Tibet by 800 C.E., and the actual flags were introduced no later than 1040 C.E., where they were further modified. The Indian monk Atisha (980-1054 C.E.) introduced the Inidan practice of printing on cloth prayer flags to Tibet and Nepal.”

I have to stop here because I’m at 15 minutes…but…I’ll continue this story later today…

Sixty-Nine: Day 56-57

2/26/2015

Day 55-57

Timer on…

So…I wrote a brief response for Day 55, letting everyone know that I couldn't type at home because the land of broadband in lame…

Day 56, I did last night but didn’t type because it was after midnight by the time I finished and I was done…so…I thought…I got through it…I’ll type something up later…

But today I will write…

Today I performed in THE VAGINA MONOLGUES. I was the infamous “Cunt” monologue. It is powerful to be a part of such an event at a college, again. It is a lot of fun to watch the audience watch this production. My father never saw this production, but…I am always curious about what he might have thought of it. I found it very inspiring as a young adult (performing as Gloria Steinem) and then again in the “My Vagina Was a Village” in my late 20s…but…it was never as powerful as this evening. It was amazing watching my students watch, gasp, laugh and cry…I don’t know what they thought about seeing their professor say the word “cunt” a whole bunch…but…I loved watching them…I loved that many of them were brave enough to stand up and let the world know that they are a survivor of violence…my heart had a lot of “feels” tonight (as they would say)…

The yoga series has been hard the past two nights because my own vagina is a hot mess (due to menstrual pain and other sundry things that go along with my particular menstrual cycle) but…it has been nice to re-engage with thise series, albeit, I'm exhausted and in pain…

I would like to end tonight’s blog with an ode to the car my father gave me as a graduate school graduation gift… Her name was Grace. My friend Lou and I named her that when she didn’t kill us on a drive to Portland/Long Island, Maine, for a wedding…her name became another moment for me when I didn’t die from a crash with her not even three weeks after my father’s death, that should have resulted in a roll over, but…I heard his voice say, “Throw it in into neutral, steer into the slide, get off the hill, straighten out, push the breaks, get out of the car, you might have hit something that will cause it to blow up…stop crying…” The car didn’t blow up, I didn’t stop crying, but…I didn’t die…

A moment of kindness (or a moment of grace – that I didn’t deserver) came two months later when my Dad’s good friend Cort drove the 4 hours down and the 4 hours back to Idaho with my car, in the hopes that one day I would be able to revive her…but…it hasn’t happened…my brother sold her last week for a mere $500…it will help his family with their new home and anything else they may need. She gave me a lot of grace in her time with me, but she left our family leaving a pittance of grace that will help out my brother’s growing family. I will miss that car…and I miss the man who gave it to me…

Sixty-Nine: Day 55

2/25/2015

So...technically this is for 2 days ago because my computer wouldn't work at home...yeah...the Catskills...the place where broadband went to die...

So...I did the series...nothing new to report...and then I didn't do it yesterday because I was too sick...it's amazing I've gone this long in a new place, with new weather, new allergens, new people, new diseases, and...I've stayed healthy...crazy! But...not last night...allergies, menstrual pain, exhaustion, the works...So...hopefully, wherever Dad is...he'll forgive me for my transgression.

I will keep this short today because I am at work and I am planning on trying on catching up to the day lost tonight...if I am not too tired...

Sixty-Nine: Day 54

2/22/2015

Day 54

Timer on…

15 Days to go…

I finished the series earlier this evening, but…I was attempting to finish my two lectures that I need to have ready by tomorrow…and I just finished the second one about five minutes ago…

I spent a very fun day reading all about Early Asian Theater, in order to be ready for my lecture and discussion in my Theater History I class this week. I never feel as confident in lecturing about Asian Theater. I have studied it a lot, and I have assisted on a Japanese/Chinese-American puppetry play with Ping Chong & Company (OBON: TALES OF RAIN AND MOONLIGHT), so…it’s not like I haven’t experienced the work up close, either, but…I am never confident in it. Everytime I read about it, I feel like I learn all sorts of things I didn’t learn before. I also, recently, read THE PAPER CANOE by Eugenio Barba, and I was comforted to find his delineation of Northern actors vs. Southern actors. He didn’t categorize them as Western vs. Eastern. I liked this because I agree with him about the fact that both Western and Eastern theater people like a codified/disciplined technique. So…I re-read the chapters in my textbook Wilson & Goldfarb’s THE LIVING THEATRE: A HISTORY OF THEATER, Kuritz’ THE MAKING OF THEATRE HISTORY, and Brockett’s HISTORY OF THE THEATRE, with this idea in mind…not that East and West are different, but that they end up the same…this was very enlightening…

Anyway, I digress to the above tangent because there was a lot of fun things about the Sanskrit language that can be applied back to the series I’ve been doing…so…bear with me:

The Shiva Nataraja (sound familiar? Natarajasana – Dancer Pose?), is the god of the dance, who performs to destroy and then renew the universe.

That above statement blew my mind this afternoon, when I read it, because this series is to destroy the mourning and renew my love…and Natarajasana is one of the poses that I probably will never master (reminder: I said it’s like my dream of doing a Sunday New York Times Crossword…I will probably turn into a white light and disappear, if I ever master the Dancer Pose). But…wow! The Dancer, the Performer, the Practitioner, is destroying in order to renew. Beautiful.

Another quote, from Kuritz: “Western drama was based on conflict; Eastern drama, on cooperative dance. The West sent heroes into the world to make their destinies according to their free will. The East let heroes flow with the way of the world by withdrawing to inner harmony.”

So…my series begins with Virasana or Hero Pose. The way of my world for this series is to withdraw into inner harmony. And, yes! That’s exactly what I’m hoping for…crazy…Kuritz…you are the man!

And, because I’m running out of time, also from Kuritz: “Upanishads: explanations of the relationship between an atman (individual’s soul) and the Brahman (universal soul). The Upanishads represent the world’s oldest philosophical and psychological system of investigation. The belief that atman and Brahman are identical, that the soul within is identical with the soul of the world, resulted in a philosophical position that unites the subjective and the objective, the individual and the world. This metaphysical view permeated Indian society and theatre.”

So…essentially…my intuitive investigation with this series is, hopefully, going to connect me back to the world by searching for my individual soul…who has…unfortunately gone for a sad walk…

That’s all for today…

Sixty-Nine: Day 53

2/21/2015

Day 53

Timer on…

Now, it is officially, 16 days left…two weeks and two days…crazy…

So…I finished the “double-down” for today to make-up for the fact that I didn’t get home until after midnight last night…so…it was kind of impossible to do the series…

This second time…I almost had my heels all the way to the floor in Dolphin…I am nearing the floor…I feel it…I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but…it seems like I might hit one goal in this series after all…

I just went outside (after the second series to walk the dogs one last time) and I am not looking forward to shoveling tomorrow…there’s almost another foot of snow…grrrr…! My back is never going to get better…

I wish for the days when my Dad would take the snow blower out and move everything and create an igloo for us…which was pretty awesome…we were the envy of the neighborhood because our Dad would pile up the snow and dig it hollow for an igloo…and also make a sledding hill for us. Our Mom once also turned on the sprinkler during a really cold night and made a really redneck ice rink…ah…winter…! Those were the days when I was not required to shovel…but just be a really lucky kid.

I am, however, looking forward to the thing I’m going to do when I finish this series. That is, I hope to do…it is strange that they are both in the Bronx. I want to go to the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx (my Dad really liked it there) and to Yankee Stadium…which is the happiest I ever saw him…this was not long after 9/11 and there was a lot of security there, but my Dad looked so happy to be patted down…he kept telling everyone that whole day that he had been watching the Yankees on TV since 1952, and that day was the first time he had ever seen them live. Before I moved from New York, to New Mexico, he insisted on seeing them again, and I’m glad we got those scalped tickets and that he insisted on staying through all of the rain delays because that would be the last time he ever saw them “live”. So…I will go again…there won’t be a game…but I will go for a tour…

That is all I have for tonight…

Sixty-Nine: Day 52

2/21/2015

Day 52

Timer on…

Round 1 of the “double-down” for today…I am starting this “double-down” late because I already had a lot going on today…attempting to get caught up from a busy week of rehearsals for 4 shows, teaching/grading 4 classes, and working on all the tech for the 2 productions I’m directing at SUNY Sullivan. I also, stupidly, or intelligently (I’m really not sure on this decision) decided to schedule private voice lessons with every cast member in the next two weeks for an hour at a time, and my voice is shot…over shot…dysphonic, in fact… And, then, today, I drove in crazy weather to, ironically, be interviewed for a documentary film about the NACL Theatre show, THE WEATHER PROJECT. Crazy. But…good…I would rather be doing this than repeat my past three years of work…

Well, the first round today went very well…I almost felt like I needed it. I had a very stressful rehearsal yesterday followed by an Improv Night in the Student Union that the club I advise organized, but…I facilitate… I got home and felt bereft of energy. I woke up this morning still bereft of energy…I couldn’t find the ability to do anything except get ready to drive to Eldred/Highland Lake, NY, for the documentary film interview. But…being in Sullivan County and being in this production, THE WEATHER PROJECT always reminds me to plan my fossil fuel use, so…I also got all my laundry together and my grocery list, and I bookended all of those things with the drive to Eldred/Highland Lake. As soon as I got home, I unpacked everything, ignored the snow that is accumulating everywhere (I’ll have to shovel tomorrow before the ice rain arrives and makes it impossible…), and jumped into the 69-Day Mourning Ritual. My body needed it…I feel more energized than I’ve felt all day.

I thought I would end this first round today, that makes up for yesterday, with a note on my yoga series partners: Gus and Lap Dog. They have no idea that they are my yoga partners, but…they are… They seem to know at 52 Days what I’m about to do and they surround me as I perform the series. Gus lays down next to me to put his paw on my arm as I do Utthita Parivritti (Spinal Twist)…it is interestingly the only Anahata Chakra pose (Heart Chakra), which, of course, is the location of what killed my father…his heart…which has always seemed horribly ironic…. Lap Dog always lays on the love seat above the mat and watches me. I pet them in between poses. They instantly provide love and relaxation to me as I work.

Gus really loved my Dad. My Mom came to visit Nick two years ago for Christmas, and Gus waited at the door for my Dad to enter. He always associates my Mom with my Dad, and I don’t think he understands that my Dad isn’t coming inside ever again…

I don’t know what I would do without my yoga partners. They are an inspiration. Lap Dog likes to show off her Downward and Upward Facing Dog to me, regularly, and Gus is just a love. Sometimes I have to kick him off the mat because he doesn’t really understand that he can’t stay on the mat with me while I practice, but…they are always there when I break…they know to comfort me…

That’s all for now…

Sixty-Nine: Day 51

2/19/2015

Day 51

Timer on…

So…I guess another long day has passed and I was still able to accomplish the series. Today was wild…I had 3 private voice lessons with cast members for HANDS ON A HARDBODY, I taught my theater history class, I had my Performing Arts Club Meeting, I was a part of the VDAY 2015 season here at SUNY Sullivan, which is beginning with the documentary film, UNTIL THE VIOLENCE STOPS, that then has a flash mob dance to the song “Break the Chain”, and I danced in that. Then I, briefly, coached my boss’ son on his audition song for the Forestburgh Playhouse auditions on Saturday, and, finally I was able to drive home, talk to the love of my life, walk the dogs for third time, bathe, and…focus on my Dad and my journey…busy, but fulfilling…

I think today I’m going to look at the Yoga Mudra…I had never really heard of this before googling the things that are good for mourning and yoga back in 2011, so…I guess it’s time to see what these hand gestures are doing for me…

Mudra means “seal” in yoga…so…it’s good that this is at the end…I am “sealing” in the practice…

So…the one that was suggested in the google (back in 2011…and…I’ve never been able to find that site again, but…) is the Mudra that opens the Crown Chakra: “Put your hands before your stomach. Let the ring fingers point up, touching at their tops. Cross the rest of your fingers, with the left thumb underneath the right. Concentrate on the Crown chakra at the top of your head. Chant the sound NG.

According to Wikipedia (I know, I know…not reliable, but I’m totally fascinated by what Wiki knows and doesn’t know…so we’re using it here): “…mudra is performed as part of a physical yoga practice with an aim to achieving several benefits. It is a centering pose which helps alleviate mental stress and anxiety and is therefore used to assist the practitioner in achieving focus and coming into a meditative state. The physical execution of the pose helps to promote flexibility in the hands, wrists, fingers and arms.”

So…I’m sealing in the Crown Chakra, in order to alleviate mental stress and anxiety at the end of a practice of asanas (poses) that are executed to alleviate my mourning…I think it works…

More Saturday because tomorrow is more busy than normal and I won’t get home until Saturday…

Sixty-Nine: Day 50

2/18/2015

Day 50

Timer on…

Well…I’ve made it to 50 Days…that is a lot of yoga in a row…crazy…I don’t think I’ve ever done anything this many days in a row…I am sort of proud of myself…19 days to go…

So…when we last met we were finishing up with Trataka of the Shatkarma part of the series:

The purpose: “As a staring meditation, trataka is the technique of sadhakas (spiritual aspirants) which is supposed to develop psychic powers. With the ability to cease the restlessness of the eyes seeking something of the other, by fixing the gaze, the restless mind too comes to a halt. Trataka is said to enhance the ability to concentrate. It may increase the power of memory and bring the mind in a state of awareness, attention and focus. This exercise acts on the centers of smell and sight; it stimulates the nervous system. It is said to control the ciliary (blink) reflex and stimulate the pineal gland.”

Hmmm…the pineal gland is back…and I already forgot what it does…I am very lucky that I did not go into medicine…okay…re-looking for this guy…

The pineal gland is also at the base of the brain near the cerebellum, but it’s across from the pituitary gland. This helps my circadian rhythm and sleep/seasonal patterns.

Pituitary gland…I am also blanking on that:

I guess it is at the base of the brain…and it regulates stress, growth, reproduction and lactation… Again, this process is to help regulate the stress of mourning…so…again, so far this poses that feels easy, has been one of the most beneficial.

That pose was the Fish Pose…So…I guess the end of the series, for me…is trataka and it also has the benefits of dealing with the issues in my brain that have created the holding on of emotional and physical weight…and it is being helped out by the Fish Pose earlier in the series.

I will also say that I really enjoy the trataka at the end of the series because I sometimes am able (and, lately, more often than not) to create two candles in my vision and it feels good to have double-vision at the end as I am staring and focusing on the end of my practice about my Dad…it feels like two of us are there at the end every night.

My entire life I always felt like I could feel him; I didn’t need him to tell me he loved me or how he felt about me in words…I could just feel it. I know it seems silly, but that psychic love, that agape, that divine love…feels present again, every night with trataka…and I am able to say at the end of it “Namaste”, which means, literally, bowing to you…and I am bowing to my Dad…as an actor/theater person…it seems fitting that I should always be giving a curtain call to may Dad. I have never liked curtain calls, but…my teachers throughout all my studies in theater always reminded us that the curtain call wasn’t for us…it was for the audience and we had to honor the fact that they needed that time to clap. My Dad loved being in the audience watching me. One of my first acting teachers, Cheryl-Ann Rossi, used to say that her favorite thing about watching a performance with me in it, was watching my Dad watch me…I miss that…I never really got to “watch” him watch me…but I could always feel it…so…at the end of this practice I “bow to him”…this is for him… It is also wonderful that right before I “bow to him” I get to have double-vision and feel like he is a part of me, again, and we are “staring” together, focusing together on one thought. I think that wherever he is, he must miss me, as much as I miss him.

That's all for today…

Jessica Barkl, Theater Artist, Theater Director, Actor