Day 4 – 1/3/16
Timer on…
The song “You Are Not a Robot” by Marina and the Diamonds is playing from a playlist my future husband made for me back in the days when I was struggling as a human being and artist. I think he knew that I wasn’t willing to talk about it, so…he made me a playlist called “You Are Not A Robot”. I heard him, but I still didn’t talk about what was going on in my head…probably because, I guess, I didn’t have words for it…which leads to the theme of today’s writing…WORDS and their AUDACITY…
It seems all day while I was doing hours of dramaturgy on RAGTIME that the world was letting me know that it is hard to write. And, to top it off in the car today on the way home I heard on NPR’s Radio Lab a segment on the Bliss language, which grew out of one man’s desperation to get dangerous language out of the world. To create an universality that would never create another Hitler, but he was disappointed with teachers of people with disabilities started to use it as a bridge to learning their home language. He even sued them because he felt so strongly that language should not have words but images. AND then right after that I heard a David Rackoff short story about procrastination and the fact that it’s hard to write a sentence and that it is impossible to get focused to do so…FACTS! (as my young college students say these days). I get more nervous about writing after my yoga practice, which is really a “in search of…” endeavor than I do for the actual yoga. Reflection and writing that reflection is so final and so hard. I had to create my ground rules of putting a timer on and not editing what I write because I was so AFRAID to write, and, yet, I’m a hypocrite because I always tease my students about not finishing their writing projects. I think it’s because of what Bliss fears…I find words and writing so FINAL and, as a theater artist, I love the ephemeral, and, yet, I respect the words more than life. I realized today that I am no Mozart; that is, I can’t just write something and not proofread it because I am (also) horribly absent-minded and I type fast. These two FACTS lead to missing words, etc. That is annoying to anyone who reads, and, for that, any of you who read this, (which is probably very few, but if you do, you are a very sweet person putting up with me and my musings) is probably very frustrating, so I sincerely apologize for my grammar, spelling, and missing words…I wouldn’t ever write, if I had to really get down in the muck and write beautifully. I don’t write beautifully, frankly, I feel absurdly out-of-shape with the writing thing because I do my own writing so rarely. The dramaturgy and lectures I prepare are (largely) someone else’s brilliant work that I am interpreting from my point-of-view, but…I’m not being creative in any way shape or form…
So…here are the FACTS: I am not a writer, I am a live theater artist (who is addicted to the ephemeral form), however, I believe it is good to stretch one’s self, so…I have given myself this task because, essentially reflection is good, and, who knows, it might lead me to the precise things we all want…fulfillment…maybe by doing things that scare me and are difficult I will find a beautiful moment of grace.
There it is…I love a good yoga practice (hard and fulfilling) because at the end I feel fulfilled and I have a moment of bliss and sometimes I even have a transcending experience during one pose or meditation. Lately, I’ve been having them in the meditations, but I won’t share those experiences because they’re special, mine, and words might just make them feel, well, dumb…
The timer says that’s all I have for today…THERE. I did it. WORDS.
Day 5 – 1/4/16
Timer is on…and I feel bad because I forgot to post Day 4 on Weebly today at work…I’m a failure…I’ll post tomorrow, so…I’m like 2 Days behind…it sucks not having internet at the house and knowing that my data on my phone for a hotspot doesn't renew until the 6th, so I’m relegated to uploading at work or at someone else’s house that has internet…
Anyway, I feel like a woman today, and, no, that is not a song that should conjure up some strange soulful feeling…I just feel like most women do when we deal with our pleasant little gift from whatever god you believe in…I would consider it more of a gift, if I was able to have children, but…alas…I cannot…so…it is a curse…and that curse is painful…messy…and annoying…and, especially, annoying when trying to do yoga…I will spare everyone the gory details, but…suffice it to say…it was not very enjoyable to do my “task”/my “practice” today…
Let’s talk about the one that hurt the most today…awe, yes, “Full Locust”/Salabhasana… The quote for this one on the little card is “I celebrate my strong presence…” Not today…the strong presence was not a part of my soul or my being, but inside screaming, “Why did you not impregnate me this month…I curse you with cramps…” I (almost) feel like my female parts are Prospero from THE TEMPEST and my conscious mind that feels pain is poor Caliban… Anyway, I did not feel “strong” or “present” in this pose today…I tried…but…boy, oh, boy, it was hitting all the pain centers… The, apparent, benefits of this position are:
Anyway, I’m running out of time, and I’m supposed to be using this time to create a ritual for my transition into a Mrs. (though, FYI, I will not have that on any cards…it will say Ms., I am firmly a feminist), but…I have nothing today, and that’s about as honest as I can be… I have no idea what any of this did for me today because I just struggled through it to finish it. I suppose that the cliché thing here would be that sometimes marriage is boring and/or painful and you just have to cowgirl up and soldier on, but…that’s too easy for me… I guess what I learned today is that even though “I’m not ‘feeling it’,” I need to push on and make the best of it. It’s not going to be just about me…so…there that’s the life lesson/teachable moment for me to learn today…
And, with that, I will say goodnight, and hope to remember to post tomorrow…
Timer on…
The song “You Are Not a Robot” by Marina and the Diamonds is playing from a playlist my future husband made for me back in the days when I was struggling as a human being and artist. I think he knew that I wasn’t willing to talk about it, so…he made me a playlist called “You Are Not A Robot”. I heard him, but I still didn’t talk about what was going on in my head…probably because, I guess, I didn’t have words for it…which leads to the theme of today’s writing…WORDS and their AUDACITY…
It seems all day while I was doing hours of dramaturgy on RAGTIME that the world was letting me know that it is hard to write. And, to top it off in the car today on the way home I heard on NPR’s Radio Lab a segment on the Bliss language, which grew out of one man’s desperation to get dangerous language out of the world. To create an universality that would never create another Hitler, but he was disappointed with teachers of people with disabilities started to use it as a bridge to learning their home language. He even sued them because he felt so strongly that language should not have words but images. AND then right after that I heard a David Rackoff short story about procrastination and the fact that it’s hard to write a sentence and that it is impossible to get focused to do so…FACTS! (as my young college students say these days). I get more nervous about writing after my yoga practice, which is really a “in search of…” endeavor than I do for the actual yoga. Reflection and writing that reflection is so final and so hard. I had to create my ground rules of putting a timer on and not editing what I write because I was so AFRAID to write, and, yet, I’m a hypocrite because I always tease my students about not finishing their writing projects. I think it’s because of what Bliss fears…I find words and writing so FINAL and, as a theater artist, I love the ephemeral, and, yet, I respect the words more than life. I realized today that I am no Mozart; that is, I can’t just write something and not proofread it because I am (also) horribly absent-minded and I type fast. These two FACTS lead to missing words, etc. That is annoying to anyone who reads, and, for that, any of you who read this, (which is probably very few, but if you do, you are a very sweet person putting up with me and my musings) is probably very frustrating, so I sincerely apologize for my grammar, spelling, and missing words…I wouldn’t ever write, if I had to really get down in the muck and write beautifully. I don’t write beautifully, frankly, I feel absurdly out-of-shape with the writing thing because I do my own writing so rarely. The dramaturgy and lectures I prepare are (largely) someone else’s brilliant work that I am interpreting from my point-of-view, but…I’m not being creative in any way shape or form…
So…here are the FACTS: I am not a writer, I am a live theater artist (who is addicted to the ephemeral form), however, I believe it is good to stretch one’s self, so…I have given myself this task because, essentially reflection is good, and, who knows, it might lead me to the precise things we all want…fulfillment…maybe by doing things that scare me and are difficult I will find a beautiful moment of grace.
There it is…I love a good yoga practice (hard and fulfilling) because at the end I feel fulfilled and I have a moment of bliss and sometimes I even have a transcending experience during one pose or meditation. Lately, I’ve been having them in the meditations, but I won’t share those experiences because they’re special, mine, and words might just make them feel, well, dumb…
The timer says that’s all I have for today…THERE. I did it. WORDS.
Day 5 – 1/4/16
Timer is on…and I feel bad because I forgot to post Day 4 on Weebly today at work…I’m a failure…I’ll post tomorrow, so…I’m like 2 Days behind…it sucks not having internet at the house and knowing that my data on my phone for a hotspot doesn't renew until the 6th, so I’m relegated to uploading at work or at someone else’s house that has internet…
Anyway, I feel like a woman today, and, no, that is not a song that should conjure up some strange soulful feeling…I just feel like most women do when we deal with our pleasant little gift from whatever god you believe in…I would consider it more of a gift, if I was able to have children, but…alas…I cannot…so…it is a curse…and that curse is painful…messy…and annoying…and, especially, annoying when trying to do yoga…I will spare everyone the gory details, but…suffice it to say…it was not very enjoyable to do my “task”/my “practice” today…
Let’s talk about the one that hurt the most today…awe, yes, “Full Locust”/Salabhasana… The quote for this one on the little card is “I celebrate my strong presence…” Not today…the strong presence was not a part of my soul or my being, but inside screaming, “Why did you not impregnate me this month…I curse you with cramps…” I (almost) feel like my female parts are Prospero from THE TEMPEST and my conscious mind that feels pain is poor Caliban… Anyway, I did not feel “strong” or “present” in this pose today…I tried…but…boy, oh, boy, it was hitting all the pain centers… The, apparent, benefits of this position are:
- Toning and strengthening the lower back, buttocks, and backs of the thighs
- Firming the upper arms
- Helping relieve lower back and posture problems
- Energizing the entire body
Anyway, I’m running out of time, and I’m supposed to be using this time to create a ritual for my transition into a Mrs. (though, FYI, I will not have that on any cards…it will say Ms., I am firmly a feminist), but…I have nothing today, and that’s about as honest as I can be… I have no idea what any of this did for me today because I just struggled through it to finish it. I suppose that the cliché thing here would be that sometimes marriage is boring and/or painful and you just have to cowgirl up and soldier on, but…that’s too easy for me… I guess what I learned today is that even though “I’m not ‘feeling it’,” I need to push on and make the best of it. It’s not going to be just about me…so…there that’s the life lesson/teachable moment for me to learn today…
And, with that, I will say goodnight, and hope to remember to post tomorrow…
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