Day 68
Timer on…
Well, one more day…strike up the LES MIS backing tracks…”One Day More…”
Today’s series was nice…I was having a hard time today…I was missing family and missing my love…but…I think I’m just tired and the burning of candles at so many ends is starting to eat at me…there are so many worries with the two shows I’m working on, and so many worries with money and so many worries as to what my future is…these were all things I used to talk to my Dad about…he never said much…he just wanted me to talk…I got used to it for years…I always imagined that he had secret plans to take revenge on those that had wronged me or the things that had not gone my way…they were all stupid/selfish things…nothing I should have really been complaining about…but I told him because I didn’t have anything else to say, and he just wanted me to talk…I think he just liked hearing his girls’ voices…I could never talk for only 15 minutes…he wanted an hour…so…I had to find things to talk about…he was like a diary…I never had to keep one or go to confession because I confessed all to him…
In Diane Ackerman’s THE HISTORY OF NATURAL LOVE it opens with “Love’s Vocabulary”: “Love is the great intangible. In our nightmares, we can create beasts out of pure emotion. Hate stalks the streets with dripping fangs, fear flies down narrow alleyways on leather wings, and jealousy spins sticky webs across the sky. In daydreams, we can maneuver with poise, foiling an opponent, scoring high on fields of glory while crowds cheer, cutting fast to the heart of an adventure. But what dream state is love? Frantic and serene, vigilant and calm, wrung-out and fortified, explosive and sedate – love commands a vast army of moods. Hoping for victory, limping from the latest skirmish, lovers enter the arena once again. Sitting still, we are as daring as gladiators.”
So…these are the things I’ve learned in 68 Days…I am full of moods. I am frantic and sometimes I am serene. I am vigilant. I am (rarely) calm. I am often wrung-out (dangerously so). I am fortified. I am often explosive. I am (rarely) sedate. I had hoped for victory in a release from my mourning…but…I have just accepted that it is a part of my love. I was hoping to lose the 20 lbs. of flesh that I have been holding on to because my body is stressed, but…it just won’t… I have limped alongside my Love for three years and have re-entered the arena to heal myself to love him better. When I sit still with him…I want to be a gladiator for him; like I was a gladiator for my Dad’s hopes and dreams for me…
Timer on…
Well, one more day…strike up the LES MIS backing tracks…”One Day More…”
Today’s series was nice…I was having a hard time today…I was missing family and missing my love…but…I think I’m just tired and the burning of candles at so many ends is starting to eat at me…there are so many worries with the two shows I’m working on, and so many worries with money and so many worries as to what my future is…these were all things I used to talk to my Dad about…he never said much…he just wanted me to talk…I got used to it for years…I always imagined that he had secret plans to take revenge on those that had wronged me or the things that had not gone my way…they were all stupid/selfish things…nothing I should have really been complaining about…but I told him because I didn’t have anything else to say, and he just wanted me to talk…I think he just liked hearing his girls’ voices…I could never talk for only 15 minutes…he wanted an hour…so…I had to find things to talk about…he was like a diary…I never had to keep one or go to confession because I confessed all to him…
In Diane Ackerman’s THE HISTORY OF NATURAL LOVE it opens with “Love’s Vocabulary”: “Love is the great intangible. In our nightmares, we can create beasts out of pure emotion. Hate stalks the streets with dripping fangs, fear flies down narrow alleyways on leather wings, and jealousy spins sticky webs across the sky. In daydreams, we can maneuver with poise, foiling an opponent, scoring high on fields of glory while crowds cheer, cutting fast to the heart of an adventure. But what dream state is love? Frantic and serene, vigilant and calm, wrung-out and fortified, explosive and sedate – love commands a vast army of moods. Hoping for victory, limping from the latest skirmish, lovers enter the arena once again. Sitting still, we are as daring as gladiators.”
So…these are the things I’ve learned in 68 Days…I am full of moods. I am frantic and sometimes I am serene. I am vigilant. I am (rarely) calm. I am often wrung-out (dangerously so). I am fortified. I am often explosive. I am (rarely) sedate. I had hoped for victory in a release from my mourning…but…I have just accepted that it is a part of my love. I was hoping to lose the 20 lbs. of flesh that I have been holding on to because my body is stressed, but…it just won’t… I have limped alongside my Love for three years and have re-entered the arena to heal myself to love him better. When I sit still with him…I want to be a gladiator for him; like I was a gladiator for my Dad’s hopes and dreams for me…
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