Day 65
Timer on…
The beginning of the JUNG TO LIVE BY book that I was to read alongside the reading in my Desire in Literature class says: “This depression – the handicaps, the encumbrances which are weighing upon us – perhaps it is the very thing which will bring our vital issues from our life and free our heart with new consciousness…I often look upon the struggles I have gone through as my greatest blessing, and I think every truly thoughtful person can say the same thing. The hours of trial are the hours that make us strong…Thus hard conditions may be for you like a little bit of flint striking upon you to ignite the fire of real life./ Today on all sides we hear people complaining about the misery of existence and there is held before us so constantly the picture of a world going to pieces that almost we believe it is so. Is it not time for some men and women to become imbued with another concept, to create a different picture which will show us that we are placed here by a Divine hand and fulfilling a Divine purpose? Such an attitude would change the whole meaning of life for us.” – Thomas Carlyle, HEROES AND THE CULT OF HEROES.
So…if I were to think of this…my worst fear: my Dad’s death as “the depression,” “the handicap,” “the encumbrance,” “that which weighs on me,” “the struggles,” “my hours of trial,” “my hard conditions,” “my misery of existence,” “my world going to pieces,” as something that the Divine (or my concept of God) put in place to make me stronger…then the past three years (which sucked, by the way) were the length of time that I needed to make me strong and to create a “different picture that will show me (God/The Divine) and fulfilling God/The Divine’s purpose for me. The Divine’s purpose was to make me go through my worst fear to make me stronger…and if I accept this then that attitude will “change the whole meaning of life” for me? I don’t know…that amount of misery seems quite cruel, and, yet, when I compare it to the struggles that others have gone through for the right to vote, the right for basic civil rights, the right to govern their own country…then…my struggles/my misery seem entirely pointless…and petty…
So…that piece of “loving” advice doesn’t really work for me…but…maybe…I’m just not enlightened...or the strength that has been built in for the last 3 years has made me far too cynical…
Later in this book, my sophomore/19-year-old self highlighted in purple this quote: “Love, the most complete form of consciousness, makes us feel at one with others. Not feeling this oneness of consciousness is painful, and painfulness can express itself as anger and hate or depression (anger turned toward oneself).”
Well, that rings true. I am angry. I’ve been angry for three years. I feel robbed of that Divine Love that I used to feel in my Dad’s presence, and the “oneness of consciousness” that I used to feel with him is more than painful now that it’s gone. It’s (almost) impossible to put into words what that pain is…but in order to “love” again, I guess I’m going to have to try…
Timer on…
The beginning of the JUNG TO LIVE BY book that I was to read alongside the reading in my Desire in Literature class says: “This depression – the handicaps, the encumbrances which are weighing upon us – perhaps it is the very thing which will bring our vital issues from our life and free our heart with new consciousness…I often look upon the struggles I have gone through as my greatest blessing, and I think every truly thoughtful person can say the same thing. The hours of trial are the hours that make us strong…Thus hard conditions may be for you like a little bit of flint striking upon you to ignite the fire of real life./ Today on all sides we hear people complaining about the misery of existence and there is held before us so constantly the picture of a world going to pieces that almost we believe it is so. Is it not time for some men and women to become imbued with another concept, to create a different picture which will show us that we are placed here by a Divine hand and fulfilling a Divine purpose? Such an attitude would change the whole meaning of life for us.” – Thomas Carlyle, HEROES AND THE CULT OF HEROES.
So…if I were to think of this…my worst fear: my Dad’s death as “the depression,” “the handicap,” “the encumbrance,” “that which weighs on me,” “the struggles,” “my hours of trial,” “my hard conditions,” “my misery of existence,” “my world going to pieces,” as something that the Divine (or my concept of God) put in place to make me stronger…then the past three years (which sucked, by the way) were the length of time that I needed to make me strong and to create a “different picture that will show me (God/The Divine) and fulfilling God/The Divine’s purpose for me. The Divine’s purpose was to make me go through my worst fear to make me stronger…and if I accept this then that attitude will “change the whole meaning of life” for me? I don’t know…that amount of misery seems quite cruel, and, yet, when I compare it to the struggles that others have gone through for the right to vote, the right for basic civil rights, the right to govern their own country…then…my struggles/my misery seem entirely pointless…and petty…
So…that piece of “loving” advice doesn’t really work for me…but…maybe…I’m just not enlightened...or the strength that has been built in for the last 3 years has made me far too cynical…
Later in this book, my sophomore/19-year-old self highlighted in purple this quote: “Love, the most complete form of consciousness, makes us feel at one with others. Not feeling this oneness of consciousness is painful, and painfulness can express itself as anger and hate or depression (anger turned toward oneself).”
Well, that rings true. I am angry. I’ve been angry for three years. I feel robbed of that Divine Love that I used to feel in my Dad’s presence, and the “oneness of consciousness” that I used to feel with him is more than painful now that it’s gone. It’s (almost) impossible to put into words what that pain is…but in order to “love” again, I guess I’m going to have to try…
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