Day 32
Timer on…
Well, technically, today is Day 33, but…I had a lovely visit from my big sister from another mister (Mi-Sun Choi) yesterday, and I spent the time with her. The last time I saw her was 5 years ago during Christmas with my family in Northern Idaho. She came to visit because my Dad had been inviting her for years to come spend Christmas with us. And…much to our surprise, Mi-Sun came… Mi-Sun was considered a daughter by my Dad, and she called him “Dad”, she still does. We had not seen each other since his death, and so…much of the day was spent reflecting, crying, hugging, and toasting to his memory…so…I don’t think it’s a bad thing that by the time I dropped her off at the Middletown, NY, station, and drove home, that I was just too tired to do the series. However, the point of the mourning series is to transition from my mourning of my Dad, and, I think, spending time with someone who loved him and cared for him, is just as important as honoring a yoga ritual… It’s all a part of the healing process. But…to make up for it, I will double-down again today.
The series today was nice, but, as I have observed before, the daytime yoga version of this series is very “noisy” in my head, so…I had to stop and re-direct myself several times. One new thing came up during the Crown Yoga Mudra (which is near the end). I was drinking coffee (in lieu of tea) this morning, and I put it in my favorite coffee cup – my Seattle Rep cup. I received this cup when I was an artistic intern at Seattle Repertory Theatre from 2001-2002. My direct supervisor was Christine Sumption, but…I also worked closely with Jerry Manning, who we lost this past year…and during the Crown Yoga Mudra, I generally look at the picture of my Dad that also has my friend Robin attached to it. This picture has the mourning peace flags I received from my student MeiLin, draped on it. The Seattle Rep cup was in the sight line of the picture from the ground where I was in the Crown Yoga Mudra, and through the cup’s handle I could see the photo. As I was observing the photo I suddenly thought of Jerry… Jerry is sort of the reason I have a new position. The day he died was the last performance of my Beginning Musical Theater’s Spring Production, BIG BAD: THE MUSICAL. I was quite struck by his death, not surprised, but struck…I thought, “I am not doing what Jerry advised in 2002…” Jerry had told me, after seeing me in one staged reading of a script, that “he didn’t want to see me get stuck behind a desk”. And, there I was…a primary school teacher producing and teaching theater I didn’t believe in all the time, instead of practicing and pushing the art form…, and, I knew that Jerry would never approve of that… Fate struck the next day…and I went home and promptly applied to the position I currently hold: a full-time, tenure-track Professor position…who is starting a brand-new theater program in a community college. It is mine, I am designing it and implementing it. That IS something Jerry would approve of…and today as I was practicing the Crown Yoga Mudra…I thought that for the first time in three years, not only my Dad, but Jerry would be proud of me, and, more importantly, I am proud to have known them and (finally) to be honoring their hopes for me in the best way I can. I suppose a transition in this way is finally starting work. I am starting to believe the things that others said about me or to me, as opposed to just “doing” those things, in the hopes to please them… A bad habit: I often did the things that people praise me for, not for myself, but for my Dad and for people I respect…like Jerry…
Timer on…
Well, technically, today is Day 33, but…I had a lovely visit from my big sister from another mister (Mi-Sun Choi) yesterday, and I spent the time with her. The last time I saw her was 5 years ago during Christmas with my family in Northern Idaho. She came to visit because my Dad had been inviting her for years to come spend Christmas with us. And…much to our surprise, Mi-Sun came… Mi-Sun was considered a daughter by my Dad, and she called him “Dad”, she still does. We had not seen each other since his death, and so…much of the day was spent reflecting, crying, hugging, and toasting to his memory…so…I don’t think it’s a bad thing that by the time I dropped her off at the Middletown, NY, station, and drove home, that I was just too tired to do the series. However, the point of the mourning series is to transition from my mourning of my Dad, and, I think, spending time with someone who loved him and cared for him, is just as important as honoring a yoga ritual… It’s all a part of the healing process. But…to make up for it, I will double-down again today.
The series today was nice, but, as I have observed before, the daytime yoga version of this series is very “noisy” in my head, so…I had to stop and re-direct myself several times. One new thing came up during the Crown Yoga Mudra (which is near the end). I was drinking coffee (in lieu of tea) this morning, and I put it in my favorite coffee cup – my Seattle Rep cup. I received this cup when I was an artistic intern at Seattle Repertory Theatre from 2001-2002. My direct supervisor was Christine Sumption, but…I also worked closely with Jerry Manning, who we lost this past year…and during the Crown Yoga Mudra, I generally look at the picture of my Dad that also has my friend Robin attached to it. This picture has the mourning peace flags I received from my student MeiLin, draped on it. The Seattle Rep cup was in the sight line of the picture from the ground where I was in the Crown Yoga Mudra, and through the cup’s handle I could see the photo. As I was observing the photo I suddenly thought of Jerry… Jerry is sort of the reason I have a new position. The day he died was the last performance of my Beginning Musical Theater’s Spring Production, BIG BAD: THE MUSICAL. I was quite struck by his death, not surprised, but struck…I thought, “I am not doing what Jerry advised in 2002…” Jerry had told me, after seeing me in one staged reading of a script, that “he didn’t want to see me get stuck behind a desk”. And, there I was…a primary school teacher producing and teaching theater I didn’t believe in all the time, instead of practicing and pushing the art form…, and, I knew that Jerry would never approve of that… Fate struck the next day…and I went home and promptly applied to the position I currently hold: a full-time, tenure-track Professor position…who is starting a brand-new theater program in a community college. It is mine, I am designing it and implementing it. That IS something Jerry would approve of…and today as I was practicing the Crown Yoga Mudra…I thought that for the first time in three years, not only my Dad, but Jerry would be proud of me, and, more importantly, I am proud to have known them and (finally) to be honoring their hopes for me in the best way I can. I suppose a transition in this way is finally starting work. I am starting to believe the things that others said about me or to me, as opposed to just “doing” those things, in the hopes to please them… A bad habit: I often did the things that people praise me for, not for myself, but for my Dad and for people I respect…like Jerry…
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