Day 10
Timer on…
I have never been much of “sweat-er” (not to be confused with the piece of clothing we can wear on our upper body, to keep us warm, and, maybe, make us “sweat”). However, when my Dad died, I suddenly started smelling like those people I used to smell (you know them) the people who should put more deodorant on, and stop trusting those supposed “natural” deodorants… Anyway, after 33 years of not being a “sweat-er”, this was an odd smell to be smelling from my own body. I started carrying deodorant around with me everywhere and applying it every time I smelled “that smell” (you know that smell). Anyway, this was accompanied by 2 months of bleeding (my menstrual cycle went haywire…the doctor said that can happen with extreme stress) and severe (I mean, severe) heart burn…I started to have thoughts that my heart was burning up and dying and that it was bleeding in one direction and pouring our every pore that can sweat before I died…
Well, I didn’t die, but something in me did die that day and the months after…my ambition, my fight. My friend Molly used to describe me (and, maybe, still does) as “ambitious” and it sort of bothered me…because I’ve always thought of “ambition” as a bad thing and the people who were ambitious were really egocentric people that I didn’t want to be friends with, and if I didn’t want to be friends with those people, why would the person I consider an angel on earth want to be friends with me? It worried me, and I was conscious of trying not to sound ambitious around her…but…maybe it was just my personality…I don’t know, but then I started to not feel worthy of her friendship. But…that ambition was also the thing that pushed me forward on a day-to-day basis, and then suddenly, “poof” my Dad’s heart stops, mine breaks/burns/sweats/bleeds and I have the worst existential break of my life…
I’m going to stop talking about this right now and try to finish the practice I’ve been trying to detail for three days, but…I smelled sweat again today, for the first time since those first few months after my Dad died…I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but the smell brought me back to a very sad place…a defeated place, but…I kept going with the practice…
The Asanas/Poses
Part 1 – Standing or lying
Neutral – Chakra 2 – Svadhisthana (Navel Chakra or Hara) – Orange
· Hero’s Pose – Virasana – This is an easy pose for me, but my dancer friend Susan told me it’s not a good pose on the knees, but…I like it, so…I do it, and I love that the first pose is literally honoring my dad, my hero…it’s a beautiful way to start.
· Butterfly – Baddha Konasana – I had a fun thought about this pose today: I thought, “I am trying to find a transition to get out of my mourning”…and the butterfly is a lovely metaphor for transition…
Forward Bend – Chakra 5 – Visuddha (Throat Chakra) – Sky Blue
· Child’s Pose – Supta Vajrasana (or Balasana…more on this another time…) – I still have not researched the mystery of what this position is really called (if you are a yoga practitioner/professional and know, please comment), but…I still really like this pose as a rest pose, in lieu of corpse (not a good metaphor for this series) and the fact that I am the child that is trying to transition from her father’s death…it works…
Back Bend– Chakra 3 – Manipura – Solar plexus - yellow
· Flying Cow – Januhastasana/Bidalasana/Gavasana – Okay, I have to say that this is the one part of the series that I dread, and, thankfully, blessedly, it is at the beginning. This is tough, physically and emotionally and the first couple of days it crippled me into tears…that solar plexus is a dangerous spot to tickle with the Kapalabhati breaths, so…it’s no wonder that it brings about tears, but…beginner’s beware…this is not for the weak…
· Camel – Ustrasana – I love this pose…no issue here…
· Sphinx – Salamba Bhujangasana – I also love this pose and it’s a lovely metaphor for the leap of faith I’m taking without truly researching all of these poses…I am looking for the answer to the sphinx through the poses, as opposed to reading about the poses…
· Cobra – Bhujangasana – I love this pose, as well, but I have to admit the next two poses, along with this one are, truly difficult back-to-back…I’ve found that Child’s pose in between each makes them more enjoyable/palatable…
· Upward Facing Dog – Urdhva Mukha Svanasana – This has been a difficult pose for me for a long time, in regards to getting all four points of my hands on the ground with my shoulders still relaxed and back…I’ve found that the past couple of days, that this pose has become easier…I think repetition is really helpful in this journey…
· Bow – Dhanurasana – I can’t help but think of Larry Pisoni (Pickle Family Circus fame) in this pose because he used to have us rock in it as our warm-up and all of my classmates would groan, and I would love it. I’ve always had an alacrity with backbends, and this one is no different…there is a sense of fun to it… (where I stopped on Day 7).
· Supported Fish – Samarthita Matsyasana – a nice pose…I’m never really sure what it’s for, but…I like being in it…I probably should research this one more…
Twist – Chakra 4 – Anahata – Heart Chakra - Green
· Spinal Twist – Jathara Parivritti (straight leg twist on the ground) – as I mentioned on day 7, this is a pose that literally is a metaphor for how my dad died, and it’s become satisfying to be able to put my shoulders all the way on the ground while in the twist…
Part Two – Standing
Neutral – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra - Red
· Warrior 2 – Virabhadrasana II – Warrior 2 – as I mentioned on one of the days, I noticed three years ago when I started this series that my Warrior poses had become more grounded from the time of my dad’s death…they are still grounded, but I’m finding that I have a new energy in them with the dedicated series and the Kapalabhati breathing during…I’m not sure what that means, yet, but…it will reveal itself…
Forward Bend – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra – Red
· Standing Forward Bend – Uttanasana – this, like all forward bends has always been a bit difficult for me. I have some emotional trauma in my neck and this pose and other forward bends create a claustrophobia that I am like to tense up in…I have focused more on forward bends in my daily practice, so they are better, in general, but, like I said on Day 7, there is a talented side and an untalented side in many poses, and, I think, what the Hindis call my west side, is very untalented…and it is the one that needs my talented side to help create talent…
Back Bend – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra – Red
· Warrior 1 – Virabhadrasana I – This is technically a back bend, but I rarely feel it as such. I am, generally, pretty talented with back bends (my East Side, apparently) and, maybe, this one is just a little easy for me, but I’m always trying to find ways to make it more “grounded” and energized. In the past couple of years I’ve tried to focus on the Muladhara Chakra (Red) here, but…it, up to now, hasn’t really done much for me.
Part Three – Standing Balances
Neutral – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Tree Pose – Vrksasana – Many people who know me, know my adoration of trees, and that Forest Manager was on my list of things to become “when I grow up”. I love tree pose, I always have. I am still striving to balance my hips, but…this is a happy pose for me. Lately, I have been opening the shade of one of my windows and looking at the trees right outside my window…cheesy, I know, but, all Idahoans are what the rest of the world like to call hippies…we are not, and many Idahoans would probably take offense to that term, but…we do like nature…we like trees, we like mountains, we like lakes, we like hiking…and so on and so forth…not hippies, but happy to look at natural beauty…
· Standing Big Toe Pose – Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – the first day of this practice I wrote down that I was surprised that I was able to hold this pose in its hardest form for the 69 Kapalabhati breaths…I have been able to maintain that…I’m not sure why I’m good at this pose, but I’m not about to question it. It is not an “easy” pose, but…I find some balance in it…The thing I need to work on in this pose is balancing my arms. Right now one shoulder likes to raise higher on the side where I am holding the leg…
Forward Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Eagle – Garudasana – this is one of those poses where the “talented” vs. the “untalented” comes into play, but…it is never the same…today for example, the side that usually is my “talented” side (the standing left foot, right wrapped, and capable of internal focus on the insides of the wrapped arms) didn’t work…I fell out of it…My “untalented” side, however, I stayed in, but I still don’t have my hips all the way forward when wrapped…
· Warrior 3 – Virabhadrasana III – This pose like most of the Warrior series is a welcome one, though, a couple of days ago I struggled to hold it…I’m not sure if it was fatigue or focus, but…I am definitely no where near comfortable consistently with this pose.
Back Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Dancer – Natarajasana – This is one of the poses that I am not in the full position of…I have plans to (maybe) start practicing the prep poses into the full position on weekends, when I have more time, but…in general, I really love his pose (Where I ended reflecting on Day 8).
Side Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Half Moon – Ardha Chandrasana – two days ago a really beautiful moon was peaking in from my front window and that image has sustained me through today (the third day I’ve been typing my recent reflections on the poses – Day 9). I have always loved this pose…it feels good on my body, but I’m trying to see what I can do to elongate it and make it more alive…today I tired pretending that I was Artemis the Goddess of the Moon…(don’t judge…I had a weird obsession with her when I was in the 7th grade…and I like to draw her…I think I secretly wanted to be the goddess of the hunt that no one could capture or have…it’s still a fun thought…).
Part 4 – Inverted
Neutral – Chakra 7 – Sahasrara – Crown Chakra - Lavender
· Headstand – Salamba Sirshasana – It’s funny how I’ve been somewhat struggling with this pose for the past three years and when I decided to start this process, it’s been a breeze…I’m not sure what that’s about, but I pop right into the headstand and I’m able to hold it with no trouble…so…today I decided that I need to start working on the soft/hard = antithesis of my body in this…the journey of the actor to find the antithesis in any moment, any character, any physical choice, any vocal choice…or what my amazing actor friend Mi-Sun Choi calls Han from her Korean culture…I’m going to search for Han in my headstand from now on…Han starts with “h” and Headstand starts with “h”…the connection works for me…
Back Bend– Chakra 3 – Manipura – Solar Plexus - Yellow
· Supported Back Bend – Samarthita Setu Bandha Sarvangasana – This pose is almost, painfully, too easy for me, so I’m trying to find the purpose of it…yesterday I discovered that it is the only pose that I focus on my elbows for…that’s something…it’s relaxing, but…right now…it’s not doing much for me…hopefully it will reveal itself…
· Wheel – Urdhva Dhanurasana – many days ago I was upside down and I was facing a photo of my siter, myself, my mom and my dad in front of my dad’s ’68 British Racing Green SS Camaro 396, and I realized that my dad was a mechanic, and the wheel is so important to the car, and when I was a little girl I called all wheels that I thought looked cool, “Camaro Wheels” and my dad always thought that was the cutest thing ever… On another note, I’ve never had an issue with this pose, but my back has gotten tighter over the years, however, I still do this pose with a lot of ease and joy…it’s work, but enjoyable work…
· Dolphin – Makurasana – I’m not sure what to say about this pose (I ended here on Day 9)…the reason I don’t know what to say about this pose is because it seems very random…my feet don’t have all four points on the ground, my arms are not at 90 degree angles…I feel like I'm doing it wrong…it’s weird to transition into it from Wheel/Apasana…I don’t know…I need to research this one more…
Part 5 – Rest Pose
Forward Bend – Chakra 5 – Visuddha – Throat Chakra – Sky Blue
· Child’s Pose – Supta Vajrasana (or…again…Balasana…my mystery, for now…). – So…I’ve been playing with Child’s pose throughout the practice as a rest pose with hands next to me or out in front, but I always put them out in front at the end of the practice because it’s a natural transition from Dolphin…one of the more natural transitions throughout the practice…
Part 6 – Mudra (Gesture)
· Yoga Mudra – Crown of the Head with Padmasana – Lotus Pose. – I’ve never really studied the Mudras, so…it’s kind of fun to practice just one of them daily, and I am getting better at it day-to-day…I haven’t had any amazing discoveries with it, yet…but…I’m hoping something will come…
Part 7 – Shatkarma (more on this name, later, because…if I were Scottish…the first part of this word is literal).
· Neti – I’ve been doing the Neti Pot daily at this point, it’s good, but I do have to say that my left nostril is much more talented than my right nostril.
· Dhauti – I said awhile back that I won’t do this one, but that I will, eventually do a white rice green tea diet to cleanse, but…I still have food in the fridge, so…it might have to wait…
· Basti – It’s not happening…
· Nauli Kriya – I like this…though I’ve noticed that my abs really hurt the past two days, and I’ve had to take this a bit slower…
· Kapalabhati – Getting better throughout and my nose is getting clearer…
· Tratak – I love this at the end…it’s nice…I might elaborate another time…but this one secret is to be kept for right now…
That’s all for today!
Timer on…
I have never been much of “sweat-er” (not to be confused with the piece of clothing we can wear on our upper body, to keep us warm, and, maybe, make us “sweat”). However, when my Dad died, I suddenly started smelling like those people I used to smell (you know them) the people who should put more deodorant on, and stop trusting those supposed “natural” deodorants… Anyway, after 33 years of not being a “sweat-er”, this was an odd smell to be smelling from my own body. I started carrying deodorant around with me everywhere and applying it every time I smelled “that smell” (you know that smell). Anyway, this was accompanied by 2 months of bleeding (my menstrual cycle went haywire…the doctor said that can happen with extreme stress) and severe (I mean, severe) heart burn…I started to have thoughts that my heart was burning up and dying and that it was bleeding in one direction and pouring our every pore that can sweat before I died…
Well, I didn’t die, but something in me did die that day and the months after…my ambition, my fight. My friend Molly used to describe me (and, maybe, still does) as “ambitious” and it sort of bothered me…because I’ve always thought of “ambition” as a bad thing and the people who were ambitious were really egocentric people that I didn’t want to be friends with, and if I didn’t want to be friends with those people, why would the person I consider an angel on earth want to be friends with me? It worried me, and I was conscious of trying not to sound ambitious around her…but…maybe it was just my personality…I don’t know, but then I started to not feel worthy of her friendship. But…that ambition was also the thing that pushed me forward on a day-to-day basis, and then suddenly, “poof” my Dad’s heart stops, mine breaks/burns/sweats/bleeds and I have the worst existential break of my life…
I’m going to stop talking about this right now and try to finish the practice I’ve been trying to detail for three days, but…I smelled sweat again today, for the first time since those first few months after my Dad died…I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but the smell brought me back to a very sad place…a defeated place, but…I kept going with the practice…
The Asanas/Poses
Part 1 – Standing or lying
Neutral – Chakra 2 – Svadhisthana (Navel Chakra or Hara) – Orange
· Hero’s Pose – Virasana – This is an easy pose for me, but my dancer friend Susan told me it’s not a good pose on the knees, but…I like it, so…I do it, and I love that the first pose is literally honoring my dad, my hero…it’s a beautiful way to start.
· Butterfly – Baddha Konasana – I had a fun thought about this pose today: I thought, “I am trying to find a transition to get out of my mourning”…and the butterfly is a lovely metaphor for transition…
Forward Bend – Chakra 5 – Visuddha (Throat Chakra) – Sky Blue
· Child’s Pose – Supta Vajrasana (or Balasana…more on this another time…) – I still have not researched the mystery of what this position is really called (if you are a yoga practitioner/professional and know, please comment), but…I still really like this pose as a rest pose, in lieu of corpse (not a good metaphor for this series) and the fact that I am the child that is trying to transition from her father’s death…it works…
Back Bend– Chakra 3 – Manipura – Solar plexus - yellow
· Flying Cow – Januhastasana/Bidalasana/Gavasana – Okay, I have to say that this is the one part of the series that I dread, and, thankfully, blessedly, it is at the beginning. This is tough, physically and emotionally and the first couple of days it crippled me into tears…that solar plexus is a dangerous spot to tickle with the Kapalabhati breaths, so…it’s no wonder that it brings about tears, but…beginner’s beware…this is not for the weak…
· Camel – Ustrasana – I love this pose…no issue here…
· Sphinx – Salamba Bhujangasana – I also love this pose and it’s a lovely metaphor for the leap of faith I’m taking without truly researching all of these poses…I am looking for the answer to the sphinx through the poses, as opposed to reading about the poses…
· Cobra – Bhujangasana – I love this pose, as well, but I have to admit the next two poses, along with this one are, truly difficult back-to-back…I’ve found that Child’s pose in between each makes them more enjoyable/palatable…
· Upward Facing Dog – Urdhva Mukha Svanasana – This has been a difficult pose for me for a long time, in regards to getting all four points of my hands on the ground with my shoulders still relaxed and back…I’ve found that the past couple of days, that this pose has become easier…I think repetition is really helpful in this journey…
· Bow – Dhanurasana – I can’t help but think of Larry Pisoni (Pickle Family Circus fame) in this pose because he used to have us rock in it as our warm-up and all of my classmates would groan, and I would love it. I’ve always had an alacrity with backbends, and this one is no different…there is a sense of fun to it… (where I stopped on Day 7).
· Supported Fish – Samarthita Matsyasana – a nice pose…I’m never really sure what it’s for, but…I like being in it…I probably should research this one more…
Twist – Chakra 4 – Anahata – Heart Chakra - Green
· Spinal Twist – Jathara Parivritti (straight leg twist on the ground) – as I mentioned on day 7, this is a pose that literally is a metaphor for how my dad died, and it’s become satisfying to be able to put my shoulders all the way on the ground while in the twist…
Part Two – Standing
Neutral – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra - Red
· Warrior 2 – Virabhadrasana II – Warrior 2 – as I mentioned on one of the days, I noticed three years ago when I started this series that my Warrior poses had become more grounded from the time of my dad’s death…they are still grounded, but I’m finding that I have a new energy in them with the dedicated series and the Kapalabhati breathing during…I’m not sure what that means, yet, but…it will reveal itself…
Forward Bend – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra – Red
· Standing Forward Bend – Uttanasana – this, like all forward bends has always been a bit difficult for me. I have some emotional trauma in my neck and this pose and other forward bends create a claustrophobia that I am like to tense up in…I have focused more on forward bends in my daily practice, so they are better, in general, but, like I said on Day 7, there is a talented side and an untalented side in many poses, and, I think, what the Hindis call my west side, is very untalented…and it is the one that needs my talented side to help create talent…
Back Bend – Chakra 1 – Muladhara – Base Chakra – Red
· Warrior 1 – Virabhadrasana I – This is technically a back bend, but I rarely feel it as such. I am, generally, pretty talented with back bends (my East Side, apparently) and, maybe, this one is just a little easy for me, but I’m always trying to find ways to make it more “grounded” and energized. In the past couple of years I’ve tried to focus on the Muladhara Chakra (Red) here, but…it, up to now, hasn’t really done much for me.
Part Three – Standing Balances
Neutral – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Tree Pose – Vrksasana – Many people who know me, know my adoration of trees, and that Forest Manager was on my list of things to become “when I grow up”. I love tree pose, I always have. I am still striving to balance my hips, but…this is a happy pose for me. Lately, I have been opening the shade of one of my windows and looking at the trees right outside my window…cheesy, I know, but, all Idahoans are what the rest of the world like to call hippies…we are not, and many Idahoans would probably take offense to that term, but…we do like nature…we like trees, we like mountains, we like lakes, we like hiking…and so on and so forth…not hippies, but happy to look at natural beauty…
· Standing Big Toe Pose – Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana – the first day of this practice I wrote down that I was surprised that I was able to hold this pose in its hardest form for the 69 Kapalabhati breaths…I have been able to maintain that…I’m not sure why I’m good at this pose, but I’m not about to question it. It is not an “easy” pose, but…I find some balance in it…The thing I need to work on in this pose is balancing my arms. Right now one shoulder likes to raise higher on the side where I am holding the leg…
Forward Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Eagle – Garudasana – this is one of those poses where the “talented” vs. the “untalented” comes into play, but…it is never the same…today for example, the side that usually is my “talented” side (the standing left foot, right wrapped, and capable of internal focus on the insides of the wrapped arms) didn’t work…I fell out of it…My “untalented” side, however, I stayed in, but I still don’t have my hips all the way forward when wrapped…
· Warrior 3 – Virabhadrasana III – This pose like most of the Warrior series is a welcome one, though, a couple of days ago I struggled to hold it…I’m not sure if it was fatigue or focus, but…I am definitely no where near comfortable consistently with this pose.
Back Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Dancer – Natarajasana – This is one of the poses that I am not in the full position of…I have plans to (maybe) start practicing the prep poses into the full position on weekends, when I have more time, but…in general, I really love his pose (Where I ended reflecting on Day 8).
Side Bend – Chakra 6 – Ajna – Third Eye or Brow Chakra – Indigo
· Half Moon – Ardha Chandrasana – two days ago a really beautiful moon was peaking in from my front window and that image has sustained me through today (the third day I’ve been typing my recent reflections on the poses – Day 9). I have always loved this pose…it feels good on my body, but I’m trying to see what I can do to elongate it and make it more alive…today I tired pretending that I was Artemis the Goddess of the Moon…(don’t judge…I had a weird obsession with her when I was in the 7th grade…and I like to draw her…I think I secretly wanted to be the goddess of the hunt that no one could capture or have…it’s still a fun thought…).
Part 4 – Inverted
Neutral – Chakra 7 – Sahasrara – Crown Chakra - Lavender
· Headstand – Salamba Sirshasana – It’s funny how I’ve been somewhat struggling with this pose for the past three years and when I decided to start this process, it’s been a breeze…I’m not sure what that’s about, but I pop right into the headstand and I’m able to hold it with no trouble…so…today I decided that I need to start working on the soft/hard = antithesis of my body in this…the journey of the actor to find the antithesis in any moment, any character, any physical choice, any vocal choice…or what my amazing actor friend Mi-Sun Choi calls Han from her Korean culture…I’m going to search for Han in my headstand from now on…Han starts with “h” and Headstand starts with “h”…the connection works for me…
Back Bend– Chakra 3 – Manipura – Solar Plexus - Yellow
· Supported Back Bend – Samarthita Setu Bandha Sarvangasana – This pose is almost, painfully, too easy for me, so I’m trying to find the purpose of it…yesterday I discovered that it is the only pose that I focus on my elbows for…that’s something…it’s relaxing, but…right now…it’s not doing much for me…hopefully it will reveal itself…
· Wheel – Urdhva Dhanurasana – many days ago I was upside down and I was facing a photo of my siter, myself, my mom and my dad in front of my dad’s ’68 British Racing Green SS Camaro 396, and I realized that my dad was a mechanic, and the wheel is so important to the car, and when I was a little girl I called all wheels that I thought looked cool, “Camaro Wheels” and my dad always thought that was the cutest thing ever… On another note, I’ve never had an issue with this pose, but my back has gotten tighter over the years, however, I still do this pose with a lot of ease and joy…it’s work, but enjoyable work…
· Dolphin – Makurasana – I’m not sure what to say about this pose (I ended here on Day 9)…the reason I don’t know what to say about this pose is because it seems very random…my feet don’t have all four points on the ground, my arms are not at 90 degree angles…I feel like I'm doing it wrong…it’s weird to transition into it from Wheel/Apasana…I don’t know…I need to research this one more…
Part 5 – Rest Pose
Forward Bend – Chakra 5 – Visuddha – Throat Chakra – Sky Blue
· Child’s Pose – Supta Vajrasana (or…again…Balasana…my mystery, for now…). – So…I’ve been playing with Child’s pose throughout the practice as a rest pose with hands next to me or out in front, but I always put them out in front at the end of the practice because it’s a natural transition from Dolphin…one of the more natural transitions throughout the practice…
Part 6 – Mudra (Gesture)
· Yoga Mudra – Crown of the Head with Padmasana – Lotus Pose. – I’ve never really studied the Mudras, so…it’s kind of fun to practice just one of them daily, and I am getting better at it day-to-day…I haven’t had any amazing discoveries with it, yet…but…I’m hoping something will come…
Part 7 – Shatkarma (more on this name, later, because…if I were Scottish…the first part of this word is literal).
· Neti – I’ve been doing the Neti Pot daily at this point, it’s good, but I do have to say that my left nostril is much more talented than my right nostril.
· Dhauti – I said awhile back that I won’t do this one, but that I will, eventually do a white rice green tea diet to cleanse, but…I still have food in the fridge, so…it might have to wait…
· Basti – It’s not happening…
· Nauli Kriya – I like this…though I’ve noticed that my abs really hurt the past two days, and I’ve had to take this a bit slower…
· Kapalabhati – Getting better throughout and my nose is getting clearer…
· Tratak – I love this at the end…it’s nice…I might elaborate another time…but this one secret is to be kept for right now…
That’s all for today!
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